Scene: The BCS National Championship; January 2011

Enter NCAAdius, Genetrude, Meynaldo, Mullonious, Tebratiow

NCAAdius: I thank thee, lords and ladies, for joining me upon the hour of this momentous occasion. The brave young Prince Camlet doth ride into battle this day to avenge the vile TheMichael and restore order to my kingdom. He shall be victorious in the name of truth, fairness, and justice!

Tebratiow: [to Meynaldo] Truth? Fairness? Justice? I am confused—methought the Prince’s name was Camlet, not these things.

Meynaldo: [to Tebratiow] Ay, Tebratiow; thou art correct, though not on purpose. He shall be victorious, but for none such reasons as those.

Scene: Heisman Trophy Ceremony; New York; December 2010

Enter Camlet, Genetrude

Genetrude: Thou shalt soon be one step further towards the stage of royalty, young Prince.

Camlet: If ‘twere possible to distance mine awards from thy name, Queen, I should do it with haste.

Genetrude: Dear Camlet, I was merely doing what I thought best for you.

Camlet: Thou bear it falsely; ‘twas best for none but yourself. Mayhaps we should ask the rotting corpse that was once thy daughter for whom ‘twas best.

Scene: Georgia Dome locker room; December 2010

A projector rolls. The final four weeks of the SEC regular season follow:

Mullonious and his army of Bulldogs suffer an embarrassing defeat in Tuscaloosa and at home against the Razorbacks before winning the Bowl of Egg.

Meynaldo and his army of Gators demolish the Vanderbilts before returning home. As Meynaldo begins to polish off his SEC East throne, Spurriertes and his army of Gamecocks ambush the Gators and leave them all but lifeless. With nothing more to play for, Meynaldo and his troops drown their sorrows with bountiful alcohol—this strategy works fine against Appalachian State, but the Gators, still hungover, suffer their fifth loss of the season to the Seminoles of Florida State.

Scene: The High Court of NCAAdius; November 2010

A projector rolls. A montage of news clips reporting Camlet’s alleged NCAA violations is shown, including laptop theft, multiple counts of academic cheating, and discussions of a pay-for-play scenario with both Mississippi State and Auburn.

The projector shuts off.

Enter NCAAdius, reporters.

NCAAdius: Legions of report, bear witness; we have been assembled here today to address the issue that dost linger o’er our heads—that of Prince Camlet’s potential violations of my rules and standards. I shall bring forth Camlet at this time; question him thus as you wish.

Scene: The High Court of NCAAdius; Fall 2010

Enter NCAAdius

The trumpets sound.

NCAAdius: For us and for our sportery, here stooping to your pleasurey, we beg your viewing regularly. I present the season of 2010.

A projector rolls. The first nine weeks of the season follow.

Scene: Auburn; Spring of 2009-2010

Enter Genetrude

Genetrude: O, my plans work marvelous well. The young Camlet has been transformed; he is now Prince Camlet of Auburn! His talents o’erwhelm the eyes, yet I must keep this news from the media dogs; their reports are unwanted, verily. There remains but one issue unresolved; that of my daughter’s gaze upon him. ‘Twere an interference most unacceptable if I do wish to be crowned o’er the SEC this season. I must make haste—I shall prevent this budding love before it is given time to blossom.

[She pulls out a cell phone and makes a call.]

Genetrude: Fair daughter, I must speak with thee. Present me with thy presence.

Scene: Gainesville; Meynaldo’s quarters; Winter of 2009-2010

Enter Meynaldo, Mullonious.

Meynaldo: Good friend! What bringest thou to my quarters? Should you not be preparing thine army for the forthcoming season? Thou knowest well that we shall do battle in October.

Mullonious: I have marked it well, my lord; pray you, if thou might listen to my plight.

Meynaldo: I shall be most receptive. Come—what news?

Scene: The High Court of NCAAdius; Winter of 2009-2010

Enter NCAAdius, Genetrude, Franchionelius, Rogencrantz and Bondinstern, courtiers.

NCAAdius: Good morrow, gentlemen! And good morrow to you, Genetrude. We have assembled upon this hour to witness Camlet, the prince in waiting, proclaim his final decision, have we not?

All: Ay.

Genetrude: We thank you for your well-took labor, your highness.

Scene: College of Blinn; Camlet’s dormitory; Night following 2009 Junior College National Championship

Enter Camlet.

Camlet: Oh, dreadful weight. Should another sleepless night await me, I shall commit my services to the Pac-10 and be rid of these demons.

[He begins to ready himself for bed.]

Enter Cecilet[‘s face].

Cecilet: Camlet!

Scene: College of Blinn; Camlet’s dormitory; Night following 2009 Junior College National Championship

Enter Rogencrantz and Bondinstern

Rogencrantz: Come, come; out with it, good friend—to what purpose have we stolen into the young prince’s quarters?

Bondinstern: Why, we come in the name of forgery, as Mullonious did send us. If Camlet does to Auburn go—

Rogencrantz: —then we shall find out the cause of his sudden reversal and hold it o’er his head!

Bondinstern. Indeed we shall.